Marriage and Divorce in Ancient Heian Japan

This book explains about marriage and divorce of not only aristocrats in Heian Japan, but also commoners (regular people like farmers) and samurai in ancient Japan, approximately from the 6th to 12th centuries.

“Samurai” is one of well-known and beloved Japanese words around the world, thanks to the great film maker, Akira Kurosawa, and maybe the movie, “Last Samurai.”

In general, the image of a Japanese samurai seems to be “a man who is strong, quiet, self-disciplined, loyal to his master and carries swords.” Samurai in those movies are reflecting this image of Japanese warriors established in the pre-Edo Period, back in the 16th century, and the basis of such culture started in the Kamakura Period (1192-1333).

“… Although the Chinese character for ‘samurai’ in the Heian (9-12 centuries) and the Edo (17-19 centuries) Periods was the same, it is safe to assume that the samurai themselves were completely different sorts of people.  In the Heian Period, samurai were building up rather strong military power in rural regions, but it was a different story in Kyoto.  Samurai had very low status in society, especially those that served aristocrats, and were considered low class…”

(Excerpt from “Marriage and Divorce in Ancient Heian Japan“)

Samurai are mentioned many times in the main part of this book.

It would be fun to compare samurai in the Heian Period and your favorite samurai in the movies!

In ancient Japan, including the time of Genji, There was no formal “marriage” or “wedding” when a man and woman got married.

It was this simple:

If a man was interested in a woman, he wrote to her that he was interested in seeing her. Back then, it was not common that men could physically “see” single women who were supposed to be hiding behind the curtains.

Besides, “seeing a woman” meant “getting married,” or “having sex.”

Thus, asking a woman that he wanted to “see” her, it was already a marriage proposal. What they did first was just exchanging letters with poems, waka, along with seasonal flowers or beautiful scented paper.

Once the woman accepted the man’s proposal, which usually took months or sometimes years, he visited the woman at night and “saw” her. There was no electricity and the lights were dim. So he would not see her very well. But they talked to each other and had sex anyway.

Talking to each other was an important aspect. They would discover whether or not they were writing the letter and poems themselves. Some people cheated and had someone else write to attract the other sex. If they did not like each other after they talked, or at least he did not like her, he did not visit her again.

He was supposed to leave before dawn. Right after he left, he would write a beautiful letter to her, saying it was such a fantastic night.

How soon he wrote indicated how much he liked her. Sooner the better, like returning business emails in these days.

While they were having their date in the woman’s room, her nanny and servants were usually waiting in the attached room. Yes, they knew what was going on in her room, including the man-woman stuff. After the man left, the nanny and servants reported to her parents who visited their daughter.

If the man visited her three consecutive nights, they were considered to be “married.” There was no paperwork or oath. On the third night, the woman’s parents prepared a banquet to welcome the man as their daughters “husband.” That was it.

“… Marriage was basically settled between the husband-to-be and his fiance’s father.  Settlement of marriage was determined only by approval from the woman’s father, that is, the only key person was the father of the bride.  Ancient wedding ceremonies were very private and simple.  “Momotori no tsukue shiromono,” which can be regarded as an equivalent to present day wedding ceremonies, was only a banquet for the bridegroom provided by the bride’s father.”

(Excerpt from “Marriage and Divorce in Ancient Heian Japan“)

When there was no school or dance hall, how did boys meet girls?

” Some rules must have been in place regarding the norms for meetings between young adult members of the opposite sex.That is, men and women might likely have met at traditional local picnics or festivals at shrines and fallen in love.After a man and a woman became acquainted, they would have enjoyed meeting each other in early morning or late in the afternoon, before or after their farming work.As time went by and their relationship became closer, the woman would tell her name to her boyfriend, then they….”

(Excerpt from “Marriage and Divorce in Ancient Heian Japan“)

Surprisingly enough, in ancient Japan for people in any social ranks, “a girl/woman tells her name to a boy/man” directly meant that she allowed him to have sex with her. An interesting example of an Emperor meeting a girl from an ordinary family is introduced in the Book among other examples of such boy-meets-girl stories in ancient Japan.

This entry is not about Osama Bin Laden.  Sorry!

There are two ways in “polygamy”: one husband with many wives and one wife with many husbands.

The former is called “polygyny” in the family studies and “一夫多妻” in Japanese.

The latter is called “polyandry,” or “一妻多夫” in Japanese, which is still practiced in some parts of the world as well.

Polygyny (one husband with many wives) is still legal in certain part of the world, but not in Japan now.  It used to be legal for royal families, aristocrats and samurai until 100+ years ago, and it is said that the royal family practiced it until the end of WWII.  For ordinary people though, it was not common or legal even in the ancient times.

As you can imagine, a polygamy practice costs a lot… not only money but rather a lot of emotions back in ancient Japan.  Here is a little excerpt from the Book.

“Let me explain how a husband and his multiple wives lived in Japan in the Heian Period or earlier.  In most cases, a man lived with his principal wife.  When he had a mistress, he visited her.  In such cases, the mistress was usually responsible for providing the house and living expenses….. A husband rarely brought his mistress or girlfriend to his principal home.  If the husband did, the principal wife would either get angry and go back to her parents’ home, or bully the mistress until the mistress went back to her parents’ home.  I did not find any example where a husband forced his principal wife and his mistress to live in the same house, except for the Imperial family.”

(Excerpt from “Marriage and Divorce in Ancient Heian Japan“)

The details are described in the main part of our book

Interestingly though, some wives of Hikaru Genji (the main guy in the Tale of Genji) live in the same mansion, though in independent quarters, pretty happily and they sometimes communicate or play with each other.

Our book here is focused on “divorce” rather than happy stories, which makes it look like a gossip collection from ancient Japan